Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing, uses the phrase “spark joy” in her book. She says, “The ultimate goal is to spark joy every day and lead a joyful life.” She describes this philosophy as kurashi, which she says roughly translates to “way of life.” Hell, yeah it’s a way of life! It’s a conscious choice we make everyday to actively seek out and integrate the good things in life that bring us joy. This might sound like a no-brainer, but you’d be amazed at the amount of time we spend going through the motions, ruminating on past events, focusing on things we want to be different, and striving to meet goals. Positive psychology has been researching this for decades and found that when we stop to smell the roses it actually allows us to meet goals more easily. It influences our physical health by boosting our immune system, fighting stress, and decreasing pain. It also helps us feel more connected to others and increases our resilience. Plus, it just feels good which changes your perspective and mood!
Sophie Cliff, life coach and author of the book Choose Joy, shared a mantra she created that helped her enormously to choose joy on a daily basis: Lean into what feels good. What a great mantra to heighten your joy awareness! In her book, she identified things that research has found brings us a lot of joy:
- Connection – Research has shown time and time again that connection is where it’s at -we are hard-wired for this shit! It goes back to the old caveman days where it was a necessity to do what other people were doing or you might die. Today, it’s a little trickier. While it still feels life-threatening to be on the outside, that’s not the case. In fact, the need for belonging is so strong we often make ourselves something that we’re not in order to fit. That’s certainly easier but it’s actually a barrier to feeling that oh-so-wonderful feeling of belonging. True belonging happens when you put yourself out there with all your flaws and vulnerabilities and people still fucking like you! Honestly, this helps you to connect anyway since nobody is perfect and we can all relate to this idea. Connection also means reciprocity – don’t fall for the trap of feeling like needing others is weak. We all need each other.
- Prioritizing experiences over things – So, it’s fun to get new stuff and we get a big dopamine hit. The media shows people as living happily-ever-after when they get the latest smartphone or fancy new car. This is a fundamentally flawed idea. Happiness is temporary! If it wasn’t, we’d never be motivated to try new things, grow or change. Yeah, novelty wears off and we return to baseline pretty quickly (and then we want something else!). That’s not to say you shouldn’t enjoy your new purchases but try to notice what you enjoy about them and express gratitude for them (gratitude strikes again!) to extend your feelings of joy. Ultimately, finding a rewarding hobby or experience that you can do often is the best way to increase your joy.
- Savoring – This is the basic idea of mindfulness. Be aware of what you are doing while you are doing it and enjoy it! Whether it’s eating, going for a walk, spending time with loved ones – whatever. Be where you are and notice, notice, notice! The more you practice this, the better you’ll get.
- Moving – Movement gives us all those happy chemicals and promotes our mental health. Move it or lose it is real, and not just for losing muscle either, it applies to mental health! If you’re not doing some movement every day, you might just lose your sanity. Seriously, integrating movement into your life daily cuts your stress WAY down. Do it in nature, if at all possible, to add even more joy!
- Practicing kindness – Why do random acts of kindness increase joy? It makes you feel good and boosts your mood because you’re connecting to others. It also increases your awareness of the kindness and good things in your own life.
- Committing to lifelong learning – We feel alive when we challenge ourselves, keep learning and growing! It encourages the state of “flow” where you are truly engaged and stop thinking about the past and future. And helps you let go of the belief that happiness is a destination where you know all the answers because there is always something new to learn.
- Exploring creativity – Creativity is fucking fun! Give yourself permission to flex your creative muscles and you’ll find a whole new side of life – one where there is no “right” way to do things. This lowers stress and lets you enjoy the process.
These are general topics that most people can relate to and bring joy into their lives. Everyone is individual so there are of course plenty of others! The thing we can all agree on is to block out societal cues about what brings us joy. You can chase that stuff forever and still feel empty because accomplishments do not equal worthiness!
Today’s society tells us stuff like: After you meet a bunch of goals, work hard, prove yourself, and get your life together then you’ll feel happy. The things worth having are hard so get going, reach your potential, work, work, work and then you’ll be happy. Success and self-worth mean not needing anyone and offering help to others. Compare yourself to other people on social media, size up your life against theirs, and feel bad if you’re not doing what they are doing. Stay on a straight and narrow line, make the right decisions, and this will add up to happiness. Do things that are “in” and cool and you will be happy – who cares if it’s not something you enjoy or are innately good at? Make yourself fit into what society says equals success and belonging and you’ll be happy. The things that make a good life are shown in the media – it doesn’t matter if you actually want or need any of these things. Money and stuff buy happiness. If I meet other people’s expectations and gain their approval, I’ll feel joy. This is a bunch of BS, guys. Joy comes from things that are meaningful to you and align with your authentic self. Otherwise, you’re just chasing an idea someone else put into your head that has nothing to do with your core values and won’t contribute shit to your happiness. We know, for some of you, your anxiety just may go through the roof if you’re not ‘getting something done.’ This is learned behavior from our crazy society. Throw you fucking to-do list out the window for a while (if this is panic inducing, do an item on your list and then take a time out for play).
Dr. Stuart Brown, a wicked smart guy who founded the National Institute for Play, wrote about our biological need for play in his fabulous book Play: How It Shapes our Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul! He basically says play is a must, not an I’ll squeeze that in if I have time kind of thing! He reiterates the idea that work will actually be easier when you play because it helps your brain reset, gaining perspective, creative release, and satisfaction. Think about some of your goals like to make more moola, get that next promotion, and have that perfect house. There is nothing wrong with having these goals. But you may find if you dialed down the amount of time you spent on them, you’d have just as much joy in your life than if you didn’t achieve them. This little story based on Henrich Bőll’s short story The Mexican Fisherman, illustrates this point to a tee. It was first published in 1963 and has since been adapted, and changed into many different versions, including the one below.
A boat docked in a tiny Greek village. An American tourist complimented the Greek fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
“Not very long,” answered the Greek.
“But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?” asked the American.
The Greek explained that his small catch was sufficient to meet his needs and those of his family.
The American asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and take a siesta with my wife. In the evenings, I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs…. I have a full life.”
The American interrupted, “I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you! You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”
“And after that?” asked the Greek.
“With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers. Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Athens, Los Angeles, or even New York City! From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”
“How long would that take?” asked the Greek.
“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years,” replied the American.
“And after that?”
“Afterwards? Well my friend, that’s when it gets really interesting,” answered the American, laughing. “When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!”
“Millions? Really? And after that?” said the Greek.
“After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your children, catch a few fish, take a siesta with your wife and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”
What a great story to help us realize accomplishing goals doesn’t mean we’ll have more joy in our lives. It’s a lifestyle choice we make every day.
