The word believe conjures up encouragement, empowerment, and trust in yourself. Believe you are valuable and deserving. Look first to yourself for validation and self-compassion. Separate yourself from your achievements and accomplishments because you’ve always been more important than the W’s you have ticked in the win column. Belief is your birthright and what makes you so amazing at persevering, no matter how much you’ve achieved or utterly failed. But you have to really believe and accept that you are worth all the time and energy in the world.
It’s fair to note that we generally tend to look outside ourselves for others to validate us and tell us we are OK. This is perfectly natural and goes with the whole human thing. However, when we place our self-worth entirely into the hands of others, we’re setting the stage for an emotional rollercoaster ride. The renowned psychotherapist and father of Gestalt Therapy, Fritz Perls, said,
“Our dependency makes slaves out of us, especially if this dependency is a dependency of our self-esteem. If you need encouragement, praise, and a pat on the back from everyone, then you make everyone your judge.”
Amen to that, Fritzy! People pleasers constantly ask themselves questions like: “Does she like me? Does he like me? Do they like what I did?” When they feel the answer is affirmative, the brain gives them a reinforcing shot of dopamine. But when they feel the opposite, it can send them into an anxiety attack or depressive episode. Yes, feeling that everyone has to like you is a recipe for disappointment. First, not everyone will like you (sorry, it’s a fact). Dita Von Tesse, the sexy, sultry, wildly successful burlesque dancer, said it best, “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches.” It’s true; you can be fantastic, funny, smart, witty, charming, gorgeous, etc.… and there are some people out there that are just not going to get you or like you because of their own stuff. Have you ever heard the phrase ninety percent of what people say and do is about them, not you? That’s the idea here. People are simply acting on their perception of reality. So, working on being okay with not clicking with everyone is a most worthwhile endeavor. Believe prompts you to look first and foremost to yourself for approval. Am I proud of my choices? Am I okay with what I just finished? Am I proud of my actions? What is my opinion on my work? Did I give this my all? Do I think that I am a caring person? These internal questions prompt you to believe in your own worth, opinions, and perspectives. It’s like saying, “I will look to myself first for feedback and then I can request or accept the feedback of others.” Once you start doing this, a fear of what others think will be replaced with a stronger belief in yourself. The words of the Renaissance priest and spiritual writer Thomas à Kempis come to mind, “Great tranquility of heart is his who cares for neither praise nor blame.” So, whether someone is praising you over a job well done or conversely criticizing you or your work, it’s really a similar situation. If you feel it was a job well done that’s what matters. Another way to put this is “praise and blame are all the same.” Richard Carlson made up this catchy phrase in his book Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff (and it’s All Small Stuff). It’s a great reminder that putting too much value on what others think is not healthy. Let’s be real here – approval feels a hell of a lot better than disapproval. We all crave acceptance and praise. But the reality is, if you base all of your happiness on the approval and opinion of others, you’re setting yourself up for suffering. It leads to feeling ‘less than’ and can trigger shame when you don’t get the approval you seek. Believing in your own opinions and feelings lends to emotional freedom, shifting your concept of confidence from wanting everyone to like you to being ok if they don’t.
This amazing passage by Sarah Harvey encompasses this whole idea of believing in yourself. It’s called A Badass, Truth-Soaked Manifesto to Help Us Live Like We Really Mean It.
“I hereby undeclare the war on my own heart.
At ease, my heart, at ease! I need to breathe. Deeply. Softly. I need to remember the exquisiteness of my fiercely feathered soul.
‘Cause I am done thinking people are doing me an epic favor when they like me. I am done apologizing for every step I take, every word I utter, every breath I take.
I am done leaning on lame piles of flimsy excuses and selling myself so terribly short.
I hereby declare a confetti-lace peace treaty to celebrate my awesomeness, my one-of-a-kind messy beauty, my huge imperfect heart, my thirsty mermaid soul.
I declare love. I declare freedom, truth and blossoming beauty so big it could swallow the cobalt blue sky. I declare to never, ever forget the gem-like luster of my worth.
I declare adventures that taste muddy and raw, like just-melted snow in the Spring.
From here on out, I will live like I mean it. I will live from the quivering depths of my soul.
I will reach out and taste each day on my tongue, picking moments like ripe cherries, coming alive with the honeyed sunrise, saying yes to even the faintest whispers of truth—the sweet breezes of spirit that keep me alive.
I will slow down and smell the roses and honeysuckle and crisp, musky evergreens.
I will stand tall and say the sh*t I need to say. I will move through tears and tough times with the gentlest grace. I will speak to myself kindly. I will love fiercely.
I hereby grant myself the most awesome life possible.
I grant dancing under moonlight and sprinting through grassy mountain meadows and writing poems with stars as pens and kissing the cool night air as it tickles my skin, covering me in a blanket of goosebumps.
I will take each day like a lover, suck truth from moments with a straw of a stardust and make out passionately with the passing seconds as they stream through my fingertips, like sand.
I will color in each morning like a blank canvas with the raw crayon drippings of my soul.
Gone are the times where it felt okay not to honor myself. Finished is the mistaken thought that self-confidence is arrogance. Done are the days where it made sense to destroy myself.
I’m in the driver’s seat now—and I’m headed to love. I’m barreling towards truth. I’m running towards myself. I’m rushing towards soul.
There are no excuses left, there is no obstacle in my way, there is no one left to blame.
Loving myself is the only option. Going forward is the only path to take.
Hello world, meet my flames. Meet my gushing viscous wildness. Meet my goddamn confidence
Meet the ballsy twinkle in my eyes. Meet the tornado of empowered truth funneling like lightning bolts through my fingertips as I run free through fields of frost-tipped forsythia, gathering inspiration by the overflowing handful. Goodbye numb shadows. Goodbye torturous half-life. Goodbye shame. It’s time to say goodbye to bullsh*t and hello to love.
I hereby undeclare the war on myself.”
